Self

The first time my daughter danced inside me I launched, like a plummeting roller coaster car, into motherhood. I was 18 weeks pregnant and had a dramatically new sense of self.

Before being pregnant and before really feeling pregnant, self meant me. One person, one body, one mind. I was able to make decisions on a whim and act recklessly if the mood struck.

During pregnancy I experienced new sensations of fear, elation, and responsibility, but none were as powerful as my feeling of not being alone.

Self now meant us. The new person thrived inside me and would forever be a part of me. The comfort of this thought enveloped me and hugged my soul.

Six years later, I struggle to remember my former self. Occasionally I mourn her, longing for my unfettered life. Then I remember that when I lost myself – I gained my family.

 

*Originally published on Bluebonnet Babies Instagram account as an entry into @thevillagemagazine’s #TheVillageJournalist contest on “Self.”

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